I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions this year. Instead, I made two commitments to myself: to love myself and to forgive myself. Forgive myself for self-perceived wrongs and mistakes I have made over the years. I have been cary a suitcase of guilt and I would like to set it down and unpack it. The only way I can do that is to be gentle with myself, let myself feel my emotions and express them. We came into this world loving ourselves but are taught to forget, maybe not intentionally, but society is not a big fan of self-love. It is often misconstrued as egotism. Yet self-love is valuing yourself, taking care of yourself as you would anyone else.
Self-love is a skill that has been buried under negative core beliefs, judgements, and a false vision of ourselves. Most of us have these things. I don’t expect them to go away automatically although I wish they would! I’m working daily to counteract them by telling the negative voice in my head to go stuff it! By doing something nice for myself everyday, even if it is small. Taking a bath, sitting, meditating, doing extra yoga, going for a walk, eating a piece of chocolate. Reminding myself that I deserve self-care and self-love. Reminding myself that it’s ok to feel, to cry, to grieve. I miss my daughters every second of every day. But I need to stop beating myself up about what happened and start living again.
What do these small, easy commitments look like? How will I let myself live for myself again? Well, for now, I’m taking an online yoga teacher class to become certified as a yoga instructor. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I do a lot of yoga! Vinyasa, hatha, yin, yoga nidra, aerial yoga! I love it and have been practicing for over twenty years. The second thing I am doing is starting a hiking program centered around the chakras. I will use hiking, chakras and yoga to help others and myself become more in-tune with our bodies, mind and emotions. Eventually, maybe we will even be able to love ourselves!
The third thing I am going to do is give myself permission to write. For a long time I have had a fear of writing, which is something that I used to love to do. I feared it because when I write, I face my deepest thoughts and emotions, which I then have to feel. That is terrifying to me because I might feel sad, sorrowful, regretful, heartbroken…I could continue but I think you get the point. Through a year’s worth of therapy, I have learned that it is ok to feel these things. It is ok to talk about these things. It is even ok to feel more than one thing at the same time! I miss my daughters and grieve over the loss of those relationships but I am also wonderfully happy in my relationship with my wife and our life.
So there you have it! I want to say, New Year, New Me, but…it is still the same me. I’m just treating her a bit more gently!
Lots of love and happiness to you all!
Let's Chat! We Can't Wait to Hear Your Stories!