Change. Something that induces excitement, sadness, panic. My emotions have been on a daily roller coaster ride that looks something like this….
You know the ride. For me it starts when I wake up in the morning. The first wave is sadness. I’m continuing to wake up alone since my wife has already made the move to New Hampshire. I struggle to lift my head, to get out of bed, slumping to the coffee pot and back to the bed. Slowly, I slip my coffee, eyes still closed. First cup soundtrack: “I’m so old. I don’t want to get out of bed. Why does my body hurt. That’s right…I’m so old. I’m sooooo lonely. Why doesn’t anyone love me?” It goes on like that for awhile, along with the super depressing refrain of “You’re not good enough. That’s why. Idiot. Geez…go get more coffee.”
Second cup of coffee soundtrack gets a bit more upbeat as the coaster clickety clacks its way up that first hill. I begin to focus on my breath. I remember to be grateful that I’m here. I’m alive. I have a house and a second cup of coffee that I didn’t have to beg or steal. Yes, I’m lonely but I am not unloved. My wife loves me very much. She just isn’t here right now because she is preparing our next home for us. I’m older, but not old and I’m sore because yesterday I did yoga, I walked, I carted boxes around the house filled with our belongings. That’s right! I’m moving! To a new state I haven’t lived in before! To a new job!! Wow! The coaster hits the first peak, I throw my arms in the air and scream in excitement!
And then….my stomach drops out of my body, the wind whips past my face, energy explodes inside me! I’m up! This is great! It’s so exciting! I love my life! Let’s get on that yoga mat and move, celebrate, connect to the divine. My body moves. My breath flows in and out. The kinks in my muscles iron out. I smile as I watch the eagles fly over the creek and listen to the birds sing joyously. I thank myself for coming to my mat and I send my love out into the world for those who need it. I send it to my love muffin and my children. Oh, the joy!
My cart is flying up the next mountain, the gears in motion and running smoothly now. I turn on music and sing and dance through my shower and my morning chores. My feet step outside to the beat of the music and I skip over to let out my chickens. I jump in the car, full of smiles and good feelings and then….WHAM! Total malaise hits. I don’t want to do anything, least of all work. My motivation flushes down the toilet and I’m back to sadness, wishing I could have just stayed in bed.
This goes on all day and the net and the next. I’m told, that this is normal and it is ok. It is ok to feel both sad and excited. Change is hard, but it is necessary to grow, and of course, it is the only constant. Still, the loss I feel is real and I grieve for what I had here. My home, which I love. My community, which I have grown for the past 6 years. I also embrace the excitement of starting new in a different place. Meeting new people! Starting a new job! Hiking new trails! Soon, in a few days, I will be saying thank you and good bye to this wonderful home we’ve made and hello to our new one. Once again, I’ll be on the road to adven
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